“Words of Wisdom” by Dr. Cynthia H. Howard

Dr. Cynthia H. Howard has over 30 years of experience as a coach, consultant, mentor and counselor. She is the owner and founder of Cynthia Howard Consulting, LLC.

An offense is any act that brings annoyance, displeasure, or resentment.  It is a lack of politeness – a failure to show regard for others – wounding the feelings of others.  It is the state of being insulted or morally outraged (Matthew 13:54-58).

        Most times offenses manifest through three channels:

1. Words:  What you hear, what you say and how you say it (James 3:2).
2. Thoughts: What you think, what you think others think about you, what people actually think about you.
3. Actions: What you do, what you refuse to do, what others do against you or what they don’t do that they should do.

What is the offended language, emotional state, and thought process?  What words, thoughts, and actions manifest themselves in regard to offenses?  Let’s look at some examples:

Feeling slighted, used and abused.  Dictatorship, feeling unappreciated, not trusted or empowered; micromanaged, not smart enough or not educated enough; subservient to the Pastor/Leadership and stifled.  Feeling annoyed, displeased, resentful, wounded, livid, hurt, perplexed, in a state of disbelief, betrayed, tired, and overwhelmed.

What is important to note in these examples of possible manifestations is … there are many more that you may have experienced and can add to this list.

Revelations that can help handle offenses:

1. Offenses are part of life’s process and it is a test of maturity for believers (Ephesians 4:1-3; 14-16; 29-32).

• Make a decision not to hold onto offenses by settling and forgiving easily (Matthew 18:15-18; Romans 16:17; Hebrews 12:14; Ephesians 4:31-32).

• Always feed your mind with the Word of God. Offenses often times tampers with our mind and emotions (Psalm 119:165).

In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus established a procedure to be followed in the event that a brother would commit an offense against another Christian.  It’s been said and I believe that if all believers would simply obey scripture, to go and confront their offenders in the manner Jesus gave, it would solve over half of all problems which exist in the church.  It’s so important to confront those brethren who have trespassed against us for the following five reasons:

1. To resolve misunderstandings.  Most offenses in the church result from misunderstandings and many could be quickly resolved if offended parties would just go to the source and find out the facts.

• To maintain peace in the body of Christ (Eph. 4:1-3).  Whenever there is friction and turmoil between believers it affects the whole body.  It hinders people from entering into worship and receiving from God’s Word, creates an uninviting atmosphere for visitors in the church, it may hinder people from coming to Christ, and can even grieve the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30-32).

• So, Satan cannot gain advantage over us (2 Cor. 2:10-11).  For our own spiritual well-being, we must be quick to resolve our differences with brethren and forgive.  Harbored bitterness or unforgiveness is like a cancer that spreads throughout our bodies and the body of Christ versus forgiving which produces freedom and release from bondage (Matt. 18:35).

• So that the offender is held accountable – to not repeat his actions to harm the faith of others.  Persons who bring offense against you are likely to repeat similar acts against others.  Confronting their offensive behavior may cause them to restrain their actions from causing further offenses.

• To restore a fallen brother (Gal. 6:1).  Christians must make every attempt to restore brothers and sisters who fall into sin.  Especially when the transgression has been committed against us, our love for our brother’s spiritual well-being demands that we confront the brother so that he might be reconciled to God.

How to deal with offenses in the church and the trespasser must always be biblically based.  The following scripture is how Jesus taught for Christians to confront those brethren who have wronged them (Matt. 18:15-17:

“Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear you, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.  And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.  But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be unto you like a heathen and a tax collector.”

If you are aware of any trespass you have committed against your brother, you have a responsibility to go to him and seek his forgiveness.  If you don’t attempt reconciliation, this will hinder your relationship with God.  Your worship, your prayers and service to the Lord will not be acceptable!  “Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matt. 5:23-24)

Be willing to be humble and submissive to others, even when you don’t consider yourself to be at fault.  Don’t be so rigid and self-righteous that you stand in the way of a brother or sister’s reconciliation with you or with God (Rom. 15:1-3).  Offer your unpretentious, sincere apology for any unintentional offense and make every effort to reconcile, so that your relationship with God will not be hindered.  Whether or not they pardon you, you have done your part and released your soul from blame.

You are invited to check out Dr. Howard’s website: chconsultme.com